Knowing Who I Am

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want this month. I suppose you do that when you’re too injured to do what you love; think about what really drives you. I’ve always had a hard time feeling grounded and comfortable with knowing what it is that I want. I want to be comfortable, so I have been taking time to validate what makes me happy that doesn’t involve hiking long distances or up the local peaks.

I love old or goofy horror films, playing the kalimba, and, of course, writing poetry. I have been working to make my little life joys a priority. I’m someone who likes to have a lot going on at times. I am in one of those time frames where I am a bit too busy and falling behind where I’d like to be… The important thing is that in the end, I’ll be happy because I was doing something that brings me joy.

I’ve noticed some really bad habits as well. I tend to make things my responsibility even though it creates a huge strain on my mental health. I’ve grown up in a way that has led to the forming of this habit, but I’m excited to see how to break these habits or form them into something healthier.

Being aware of these things is the first step, so I’m on the right track. I have the courage to change this and the strength to follow through, no matter the timeline.

I’ve been asking people close to me about habits I’ve noticed as well. Sometimes I do need some external validation, though I am making a conscious effort to remind myself that while it’s okay to lean of your (found) family, I need to make sure I’m strong enough to support them when they need to lean on someone. Not collapsing and never standing on my own.

My time and attention are immensely valuable and I need to treat them as such. Don’t give out my attention to things that don’t serve me. Whether that’s someone who cut me down or playing a role I don’t want to be. I am just beginning to know who I am, and guess what? I think I’m falling with myself in all my imperfection. I’m trying new things, just because they sound fun, and perhaps not so functional, like getting acrylic nails (my first time getting them. You should see me trying to type this blog) with my sister yesterday because I had mandatory overtime, so I had to cancel plans. My sister and I have always had a rocky relationship, it’s been nice to reconnect as adults again; relearning how to bond.

So I hope you’re falling in love with your imperfect self this summer and finding the little joys in life!

-Taogoi